Self-censorship
Often I want to comment on some of the truly excellent posts I see out there, either to say “Wow, that’s really great!” or perhaps to state some disagreement with something in the post, or to expand upon one of the points that made me think. And often, I hold myslef back. Usually what happens at that point is I say one fo the following things to myself:
“Oh, I commented on her blog already today, I don’t want to comment too much or I will become an annoyance!”
or
“The things I have to say could probably be put better by someone else or have already been said, and I don’t want to be redundant.”
or
“My opinion is not as informed as other persons’ opinions and I will just look foolish if I say anything.”
And often I see other women, when writing anything in a journal or blog, whether it be a post or a comment, apologize for it being too long.
Recently I’ve become aware of this, and also have become cognizant of the fact that men do NOT do this. Men seem to assume if they are capable of saying anything, whatever they say ought to be listened to and judged fairly, no matter how long they write or how rude they are when they write it. Anyone who judges them is soundly mocked by them and their friends.
But when some women I know ignore this unwritten rule of being apologetic for speaking before someone even challenges them for going on too long, they are attacked. I see women attacked for writing too much, for not hiding their writing behind a convenient cut (on lj), for talking “too much” about a particular topic. This extends outside of the blogosphere as well. Jokes have been around seemingly forever about women who talk too much. Morality tales in which women with “loose tongues” are punished have been around for quite a while too. However, the cross-cultural agreement that women talk more than men is completely untrue. Men talk more than women unless women are in a situation where they feel invited to speak. Why? Because the same thing I see happening to women who speak using the internet happens to girls from a very young age. Consider this 16 year old explaining why she is quiet and plays dumb in school:
Sometimes I feel like saying that I disagree, that there are other ways of looking at it, but where would that get me? My teacher thinks I’m showing off, and the boys jeer. But if I pretend I don’t understand, it’s very different. The teacher is sympathetic and the boys are helpful. They really respond if they can show YOU how it is done, but there’s nothing but ‘aggro’ if you give any signs of showing THEM how it is done.
Girls learn their lessons early – any speech at all is considered too much, and speaking with self-confidence will get you attacked.
I’ve been trying very hard not to apologize whenever I leave a comment that is more than a few sentences long, but it is hard. I definitely feel the weight of that social pressure to shut up.
May 3, 2006 at 3:36 am
I have definitely thought about this from time to time. I remember having some well-informed teacher in middle school who told us about this research…told us not to apologize, etc. I have gotten a lot better (because it is so weirdly ingrained), but I still have to consciously remind myself not to apologize. Unless there is reason. But, writing too much – thinking too much – or saying too much is never reason to apologize.
I for one am always happy to read your posts and comments!
May 3, 2006 at 10:17 am
Some definate food for though — great post!
And I welcome comments of any length and number– esp from you and all the other female bloggers out there!
May 3, 2006 at 11:45 am
I have nine granddaughters. Thanks for the insight.
May 3, 2006 at 3:10 pm
It’s sad that society makes it such that women are supposed to be the quieter lot, the lot without much say or opinions. It’s everywhere…
May 3, 2006 at 3:12 pm
This post is so insightful. I have always enjoyed debating and am quite outspoken, but when I was in sixth form a large group of boys in my year turned against me because of this – in quite a nasty way. This had a terrible impact on my life and it is only recently that I have managed to feel confident in expressing my thoughts and opinions. I have often avoided commenting on blogs for the very reasons you have outlined, and am making a conscious effort to engage more – hence this comment!
May 3, 2006 at 3:13 pm
La Somnambule – your voice is welcome here! Feel free to speak up!
May 4, 2006 at 12:40 am
I rarely comment on other blogs for just the reasons you mentioned – I figure I’ll be redundant or that my opinion is less informed or less important than someone else’s. I’m going to work on this. Thanks for a great post!
May 4, 2006 at 12:51 am
You are absolutely right! I can remember my grandmother telling me NOT to let on that I might have a brain. And I’m very hesitant to post comments on other people’s blogs for the very same reason.
And yet, when I received the only comment I’ve ever gotten I was absolutely thrilled. I think we do need to speak up–we’re all capable of reading and forming opinions, and I think any author would welcome comments of a constructive nature.
May 4, 2006 at 1:01 am
I do all those things to a degree. I’ve had very little practice speaking up, so my technique is sloppy. I usually feel that’s why I apologize, in the form of “This is going to turn out to be a ramble!”, but this post helps me make more sense of it.
My dad used to be a consultant, and he conducted exercises with us that were fascinating and touched on this sort of thing. In one, my mom turned out to be “right” about something, but because she doubted her argument, her point was not taken. Dad said that in larger groups, it’s really fascinating, the guy who is so wrong but is credit gets more play than the one who doubts. There are a lot of other communication dynamics at play, of course, but that one really stood out for me.
May 4, 2006 at 3:54 am
Ugh, I do these things. And it often does lead me to not comment at all.
Very insightful post.
May 4, 2006 at 5:34 am
I’m a guy, and I was confused until I read the part about this applying mostly to women.
The way I see things, it’s just the ‘net. Freedom of speech is out in force. Who cares if it’s too long? They can skip it. Who cares if they don’t like your post? The worst they can do is respond or (in some cases) delete your comment.
Personally, I don’t post because I want to make my thoughts public, I post because I want other people to think about *their* opinions and talk about it.
May 4, 2006 at 9:25 am
Well see James, you pretty much (inadvertently?) proved my point. You are a man – you were not raised to be apologetic for speaking. Of course they can skip it if it’s “too long” – but girls and women are chided all the time for writing posts that are “too long” or for “talking too much”. This creates a dampening effect on women’s voices.
May 4, 2006 at 8:22 pm
do you have email, because i have a really good book on linguistics i can send you, speaking freely by julia penelope, and it discusses these very issues. we’re reading it in an online book group, the address of which i can also send you if you like. email me if you want either :)
May 8, 2006 at 8:21 pm
I remember reading a book about this when I was in high school and trying to decide where to go for college. The studies the book talked about were also being discussed in the media a lot as well. The “If You Let me Play” Nike ads were on TV and Doonsbury even had several panels on the subject (reprinted in the Smith College viewbook that year).
My mom and I talked about not speaking up in class about this time too, and she admitted that she practically never spoke all through school – she was always too scared. I thought that was one of the saddest things she’d ever told me and I was very afriad it would be mostly true for me, too. I’d always been on the shy side to begin with.
It ended up being one of the many reasons I decided upon a small women’s college (not Smith :) ). After reading the book, I started to think about all the ways in which I censored myself and always had. I wasn’t sure though, that I had the courage to suddenly stop doing so. Going to a liberal, feminist college was meant to be a step in the right direction: allowing me to voice my opinions in a space that felt safer, so that I could get used to doing so regularly before I had to try doing so in not safe spaces. It hasn’t been 100% succesful, but it helped a lot.