Only Happy Writing!

A frequent criticism of feminists is that they are “too angry”, or “humorless”, or “negative”. I find it curious, because people don’t say this to people working for any other social cause. People working to end animal abuse or racism or terrorism are not told they should lighten up and joke and smile while doing it. But women minding their own business are told by perfect strangers to smile, it can’t be that bad, you sure would be prettier if you smiled more!

When I was a depressed teen, I was frequently admonished for “taking myself too seriously.” This has always confused me. What does that mean? What is the message? That I should not take myself seriously? That I do not matter? I would be told I should “laugh at myself” – in other words, I should speak in a self-depreciating way of myself, tell myself my feelings were silly, and just in general, “get over myself.” It is hard even now for me to talk about this because I fear a massive outcry oif “why don’t you just lighten up? Life wil be better when you stop taking yourself so seriously?”

In the end, I am all I have. Why should I act like I don’t matter even to myself?

And why should I “lighten up” and laugh about women being beaten, raped, mudered, laugh about being sexually harrassed and underpaid? (Of course all this ignores the fact that some feminists do deal with the trials of their life by using humor, but that is besides the point.) What is so funny about not being able to pick up a city newspaper on any day of the week and not read about a woman’s murder or rape, usually at the hands of a loved family member or spouse? What is so funny about working harder then men around me for less pay, and knowing I may live out my old age in poverty because of this?

I used to be a street performer, and there was a tarot reader in the community whom all the other tarot readers hated. There were various reasons this person was unpopular, some fair, some not so fair, but among them was this person’s habit of calling out to passers-by, “Only happy readings! Only happy readings here!” This person took out all the “scary” cards from their tarot deck and painted a picture of roses and bliss to every customer.

This is what people seem to expect from women’s blogs. All happiness and light, nothing threatening or frightening. Men in particular will be harshly critical of their female friends for not “bucking up” and pulling themselves out of a situation by sheer grit and determination. I see men criticize women for caring about what others think (ignoring the fact that women are taught from birth to adjust their behavior based on the reactions of those around them), I see men criticize women for being “so broken up” over rape, and blame them for blaming themselves (see, when it happens to us guys, we blame the person who did it, not ourselves! – ignoring that all of society blames a woman for being raped, but sees the rape of a man as the ultimate tragedy) I see men criticize women for not speaking up more (oblivious to their own hypocrisy of criticizing them for speaking up even in their own blog.) “Get over it!” is the message. “Stop bothering us with your unplesant feelings! We don’t care that this world makes you miserable – in fact, we think all your misery is your own fault!”

Being the rebellious brat I have been my entire life, my response to this kind of unfair pressure is to sulk even more visibly. I realize this may not work for everyone, but I would like to encourage any woman reading this not to give in to the pressure to squelch your feleings in order to make someone else more comfortable. After all, when men have problems, women are supposed to be understanding and sympathetic. Why should we not expect the same treatment in return?

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