Simple Rules for Women to Follow to Avoid Trouble

I’ve realized all us feminist crazies have been unnecessarily complicating things in our ridiculous calls for “freedom”, which will, of course, just make us miserable. All we have to do to ensure we ladies have a happy, healthy, calm, peaceful, and long life is follow the following ten simple, clear, and completely uncontradictory rules:

1. Assume any strange man is a potential rapist or murderer in order to protect ourselves because that’s just good common sense – if we refuse to act in our own best interest by limiting our activities to that of an agoraphobic five year old by never going out alone, never going outside at night, and never having an alcoholic drink no matter what our age, the subsequent rape and murder of our foolish, slutty, drunken selves is perhaps tragic, but no more than can be expected.

2. Never assume that a man could be misogynistic and violent until he actually beats the crap out of you or rapes you, because if we do treat men as is they are potentially violent we have proven we are just man-hating scum, even if our personal history includes many frightening examples of men behaving like crazed baboons on crack whenever they fail to get their way.

3. If you are to be a real woman, you must learn self-defense or carry a gun and protect yourself, otherwise you just have a victim mentality or expect big daddy government to look out for you. You can’t expect the government, via the police, to keep abusive men from assaulting, raping, or killing you. Grow up and take some responsibility for your own safety!

4. Engaging in self-defense is a criminal act for which you, as a woman, should rightly be put in jail. You can’t take the law into your own hands! Call the police or have some nice big strong man, preferably your husband, protect you, because weak little women can’t expect to stand up for themselves and not be beaten to a state of disfigurement or death.

5. Using contraception and abortion in order to avoid having lots of children the way God intended for you to do is selfish, racist, shows your immaturity, and will damn you to hell.

6. Having too many children (or indeed, any children at all) shows you are selfish, stupid, on the same level as a farm animal, and contributing to overpopulation.

7. Working outside your home, ever, at any point in your life, whether married, unmarried, widowed, childless, or a mother, proves you are a selfish, sinful woman who doesn’t really care about her family.

8. Being a housewife makes you lazy and greedy, particularly if you expect your husband to take care of your children financially after you divorce just because he made all the money while you wasted your best career building years in such frivolous pursuits as taking care of your children, cleaning the house, and preparing the family meals.

9. If you are abused, you need to learn to forgive your attacker before you can ever expect to heal. Refusing to forgive means you are wallowing in your own victimhood. After all, the man who abused you was probably abused himself as a child. Let go and let god!

10. If you can’t break off a relationship with an abuser, it is because you are addicted to being a victim and are ignorant about what is happening to you. You were probably abused as a child and are just used to this kind of behavior. You need to overcome your victim mentality and have some self-respect and just get up and walk out! If you keep forgiving him you are just deluding yourself and maybe you unconsciously believe you deserve the abuse.

I hope these simple ten rules will help clear up all the confusion and let us get on with our lives without this outdated, useless feminist tripe hanging around our neck like an albatross!

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