I feel so beaten down
In just the last few weeks, the following brutal effects of the patriarchy have been reflected on the lives of women close to me (family or friends) in the following ways – and these are just the ones I know about:
One impoverished woman with a toddler and a worthless boyfriend who wasted her tax return on a wild night out at a strip club found out she was pregnant, but can’t afford an abortion and is trying to finish school so can’t deal with having another child right now. So she spent the last two weeks trying various ineffective herbal methods of aborting based on things friends told her and things she found on the internet, until aforesaid worthless boyfriend finally got off his sorry ass long enough to get together some money for her to have it done safely. Supposedly he was taking some nice happy new agey male contraceptive but “he got stressed out and forgot to take it for a few days.” This is the second time he’s got her pregnant in a year.
One family member who has two children and has been married for 14 years is struggling with the thought of leaving him. She’s very Christian and feels it is wrong but not only is he unemployed and spends all day at home playing video games instead of helping around the house with the kids or anything, he wouldn’t even file for unemployment, no, not even after she FILLED OUT THE PAPERWORK FOR HIM. He just couldn’t be bothered to go down to the office to file.
One friend finally admits to a small circle of friends that a man we all know, who presents himself as a “good guy” and “protector of women”, tried to rape her a few weeks ago.
Another friend who was moved out of her home country by the common practice of patrilocality and still is not legally able to work, and thus has no money, and has no friends or social connections outside of his family, confessed to me today that she feels trapped to the point of being suicidal.
And to add insult to injury, the other night in an online setting some spoiled little brat boy said, “jokingly” to me, that “American women don’t do anything” (by which he meant that sexist stereotype of American women as demanding, greedy, lazy, selfish sluts obsessed only with their appearance and making men pay for stuff) and when I told him quite bluntly to go fuck himself he responded with that tired old 4chan line, “Go bake me a pie.” I left the place where we were talking because I’m not dealing with any stupid male crap like this and another male followed me, asking (with concern at first) if I was okay, and proceeding to go on to tell me to “just calm down” and that I can’t take him seriously, he was just joking and he’s sarastic like that, don’t you know. Because of course I was being unreasonable and should have acquiesced to this blatant devaluing of my person with a smile and a little laugh. “Oh ha ha, you boys are so funny!” like a nice, normal girl. Or something.
In other news, still can’t find a job. Mother still sick. Health still crappy, physically and otherwise.
Meh.
July 15, 2009 at 2:38 am
I am always excited when you have new posts.
Sorry you’re feeling beaten down – I had such a day myself, and so am trying to balance the extremely unbalanced terrain so that I don’t crumble, which I won’t, because I am a woman, meaning I am formidably strong beyond what I even imagine, and the patriarchy knows this which is why it tries so dam hard to keep us down. Which is also why we need to stand together and help eachother, including not enabling these types of boys to grow into the useless and dangerous men many of them become. It takes a village to raise an idiot.
There is only so hard we can personally fight the surrounding toxic euro-western judeo/christian patriarchy before we feel its toll, so it’s really important to unplug from the nastiness and overwhelmingness of it all because it gets to be too much too quickly. Self-love and self-nurture and turn down the dial as much as you can and in the tiny crevices you are able to.
Hang in there, it WILL get better because love does prevail over hate, just in ways we may not always envision, and usually never in our expected timeframe!
My best to you and all who are in this rocky boat. I was talking to a friend earlier and we were commenting on how every single person we know is going through a really hard time right now too. We need to tip the scale back in our favor….somehow, which we can, in our own unique and individual ways, because we all have gifts to contribute to our world. It doesn’t have to be huge or loud; that is what the patriarchy insists real change is, but it’s not the reality. This insanity wasn’t built overnight, so it won’t change that fast either.
Good luck and my best to you, your mom, and everyone else in your world who is having a hard time.
July 16, 2009 at 7:10 pm
Amananta, thanks for posting. I love to hear your voice.
I feel that way most of the time. We live from day to day, knowing that whatever tomorrow brings, it will still be in-the-patriarchy. Knowing that there can be no happy endings in impossible situations. Only work-arounds. Trying not to believe that which we know, in hopes of finding happiness.
July 17, 2009 at 4:55 am
At the risk of leaving unwanted advice:
Have you considered Google AdSense for this blog? Could be a smidgen of extra income; it works for me.
Anyways, thank you for posting. Your words are always such a pleasure to read. I wish you and yours all the best.
M
July 17, 2009 at 11:55 am
Hi Amananta,
I’m so sorry you are feeling overwhelmed justnow by patriarchy. I completely understand.
I hate that feeling; the way it overshadows what we know: that things are improving for women. Just so painfully slowly! No, we will not see an end to patriarchy in our lifetimes, but I do believe future generations will. If you look back over several hundred years, it’s obvious that feminists’ achievements have been amazing.
We are in a very harsh period of backlash at this point in herstory, just as always following positive change for women. But women are fighting back tirelessly all over the world. We will win eventually.
My way of dealing with this is to listen to, read, and engage with sexist men (which is almost all of them) as little as possible. It helps. Like Mary Sunshine says, it’s a work-around, but we need coping strategies while patriarchy exists. It doesn’t mean we’re weak; it means we’re aware.
July 19, 2009 at 5:49 am
The stories you relate of family and friends sound so very typical (unfortunately) and not that unusual. I am sure that many of us could relate very similar stories from our circles of family and friends.
The above situations are always written off as bad luck, or unfortunate circumstance, and not as part of an overwhelming trend as they actually are.
July 21, 2009 at 7:30 am
To clarify, I didn’t want to criticise her. Just her boyfriend seems like a huge jerk, who MUST NOT be trusted. Trying to abort at home like she did, even if it didn’t seriously harm her (as it could), could result in an invalid child had she missed the time to abort. My mother knew one woman with whom the latter happened.
August 9, 2009 at 2:45 pm
reading that online comment you got, i wouldnt be surprised. people seem to think the internet is a thin veneer of anonymity so they can reflect how awful they really are inside. Kudos to the internet!
September 1, 2009 at 4:58 pm
Yeah the internet is full of spoiled boys. Unless it’s something that I can’t avoid (like chat rooms in a game lobby) I’ve just given up on talking to them.
Just found your blog and I’m enjoying it immensely.
Cheers.
September 17, 2009 at 8:24 am
I have found your blogg online i live in Sweden
i read your post about being and feeling ugly! i can relate very much to you!
I finally understood that about myself now! you know i heard bad comments all my life from relatives, father, brother, male cousins and all males generally i was thin and fat in different periods of times i’m 38 now i’m not a teenager who was mobbed in school and felt bad at 16 and changed no the comments and attidudes of men generally against me were very cruel and mean.
they would accept an ugly dog more than seeing me on the streets.
I tried everything wearing makeup even by a specialist makeup artist, cutting my hair loosing very much weight i spent more than 20000 dollars in plastic surgery even the plastic surgeons couldnot help me in plastic surgery you can fix a nose ears ect but not ugly small round eyes and very big cheeks plus my eyes are too close and and my bones show a very hollow look on my upper and lower eyes thouigh my cheeks are very big and with large bones. i look abit like an alien! and many males especially treat me this way. i started wearing sunglasses all the time even when i enter shops when i have them on usually males treat me okay when i took them off their attidudes changes and they treat me bad.
in general i think if someone have beautiful eyes they can improve themselves but not with ugly eyes.
i’m married to a swedish man he is beautiful i’m not swedish though in sweden i get less negative attidudes from males here females are abit more equal than other countries.
i used to live in the middle east and i lived my life all in war i got a very terrible childhood, teenage and even adhulthood life. it is better now in sweden with my swedish husband but still i feel very depressed and i do not go out here very much i got negative comments from my father in law and my husband’s male friends funny is when i wear my sunglasses out no one seem to bother me but when i take them off they the male their attidude changes and they do treat me bad.
i love my husband i got two beautiful sons one is 1 year old and the other is four years old. i tried killing myself this year but i couldn’t in the end i’m trying to accept myself i think i hate men so much it would be easier without them but my husband and my sons are males maybe i need to raise them to be feminist males. I became a feminist from some years i wore before hijab, the nikab to cover myself and thought maybe there is a god that loves me ect i don’t believe in god anymore if there is then he is a male and he hates ugly women. i’m an atheist, feminist and i’m trying to accept myself i don’t like men at all! and i will not decorate myself like a christmas tree to please this male dominated society!
please email me if you like to be my friend!
i will be following your blogg!
hej då in swedish
Abbey
October 3, 2009 at 3:53 am
Hi Amananta, hope you are feeling a bit brighter, you know where to come for a good moan if you feel like. I look forward to your next post, I enjoy your writing.
Hugs, helzeph.